Ways I would like to hurt Jay-Z
- Gently fasten him to a wooden table via rusty nails applied at the outline of his body, meticulously placed in the loose parts of the skin about 1 inch apart. Over a period of 5 to 6 hours I would chisel off the top of his head. Though his hat will still be tilted in a ridiculous fashion, it will rest firmly above the ears instead of merely sitting on the top of his big stupid fucking head.
- Skin his Grandma; apply various salts.
- Remove eyeballs using high powered vacuum device. Once eyes are dislodged from sockets, cut the optic nerves using Crayola® scissors.
- Build an elaborate and revolutionary time machine, kidnap Jay-Z, and force him to meet the Jay-Z of the future. Future Jay-Z will viciously strangle Present Jay-Z to death. This action will eliminate both in a cool fade-out technique as seen in Back to the Future.
- Force him into a spelling bee, whereby every incorrect spelling results in the immediate execution of one of his eighteen children.
- Put a hood on him and point to his genitals.
- Give him an ultimatum; he must either recite the alphabet in its entirety, or he has to pull off his own jaw. Gauze will be provided.
- Take his fucking chains, melt them down into one big spike, and hammer it into his abdomen diagonally until it protrudes through his thingy.
- Carefully slit open each knee cap using surgical precision to create an open flap. Insert maggots. Insert maggot's natural enemy, the fire ant. Stitch flaps closed and have yourself a laugh when the anesthesia wears off.