"You're in trouble."

I got a call from my old friend from Cape Breton, the professor-turned-Jesus-loving douche bag.

Last Saturday night I was leaving a friend’s place and decided to grab a beer and catch the last bit of Matt Anderson’s set at Stayner’s. I was about to put head-to-pillow when my phone rang at 2AM...

“Mikey, Mikeeeey, what are ya doing? Shuttup, listen, I’m in town for a wedding and I need you to bring me all the liquor you have at your place!”

Now, being a complete fucking push-over, I fulfill his request. I’m so stupid. So I go, I get there, he’s needing all the attention in the world as always. His friend seemed like a nice guy though. Of course, he was treating that guy like crap too, it’s just what he does. Fortunately we get kicked out the yard where he and his friend are staying because the “wives” arrived home early. Before we headed to my place for some reason, the other guy’s wife says, “No more drinking, you’re in trouble with me, Mr.”

That was perhaps the worst thing I have ever heard a woman in her thirties say to her partner. What the hell kind of ancient garbage is that? I needed some time to process the statement. It was so absurd. How can you have any kind of relationship with a person who says “you’re in trouble?”

We get to my place; the idiot immediately goes and plasters my bathroom in a thick paste of vomit. I of course make his friend clean it up (the only intelligent thing I did that night). A few minutes later the dude goes, “I’m going home” and proceeds to run and jump off the fucking balcony (like 8 feet up). His friend follows and I go, “I’ll walk you guys home!” Of course they didn’t wait for me to get out of the lobby. They were gone.

It’s weird how people you think were really cool when you’re younger are just total dicks. Selfish, noisy dicks who only wanna entertain themselves.