Saturday, May 29, 2004

My phone got wet and my pants got wet

Last night I was told by a friend that I know OF shit, but not ABOUT shit. This was shocking because I feel I possess a great deal of expertise in the feild of feces and feces-related study. I then attempted to discuss lyrics to Morrissey's "I have forgiven Jesus". The discussion was abruptly halted when the other party said that Morrissey and Robbie Williams are the same man. This point is not arguable, as this would be like saying Kurt Cobain was exactly the same as Scott Stapp.

I dropped my phone in the sink and now the sink doesn't work.

Today I am going to drink so much tea that I will have to go to the bathroom a lot.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Ways I would like to hurt Jay-Z

- Gently fasten him to a wooden table via rusty nails applied at the outline of his body, meticulously placed in the loose parts of the skin about 1 inch apart. Over a period of 5 to 6 hours I would chisel off the top of his head. Though his hat will still be tilted in a ridiculous fashion, it will rest firmly above the ears instead of merely sitting on the top of his big stupid fucking head.

- Skin his Grandma; apply various salts.

- Remove eyeballs using high powered vacuum device. Once eyes are dislodged from sockets, cut the optic nerves using Crayola® scissors.

- Build an elaborate and revolutionary time machine, kidnap Jay-Z, and force him to meet the Jay-Z of the future. Future Jay-Z will viciously strangle Present Jay-Z to death. This action will eliminate both in a cool fade-out technique as seen in Back to the Future.

- Force him into a spelling bee, whereby every incorrect spelling results in the immediate execution of one of his eighteen children.

- Put a hood on him and point to his genitals.

- Give him an ultimatum; he must either recite the alphabet in its entirety, or he has to pull off his own jaw. Gauze will be provided.

- Take his fucking chains, melt them down into one big spike, and hammer it into his abdomen diagonally until it protrudes through his thingy.

- Carefully slit open each knee cap using surgical precision to create an open flap. Insert maggots. Insert maggot's natural enemy, the fire ant. Stitch flaps closed and have yourself a laugh when the anesthesia wears off.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Kurt Vonnegut is still the man

Cold Turkey by Kurt Vonnegut. A great read. For more info on Mr. Vonnegut check out his official website.